MOLLY MAYER

Trigger warning: I touch on suicidal ideation. If you are not comfortable reading about that topic, please do not continue. If you are experiencing suicidal ideation please do not be afraid or feel shame, you can call or text 9-8-8, and if you need immediate help, please dial 9-1-1.

Here’s one for you, I quit my job.

I was just editing a post on Instagram and realized *lightbulb* I could make this a blog post. So here we are.

Six months ago I felt like I was juggling many balls and I had been forced into enough of a slow-down because of my health that I thought I was hiding so much of my struggle well. I thought that because of the health stuff and the forced slow-down, I had slowed enough to keep pushing the envelope.

Five months ago things turned darker and the depth of despair I felt had introduced me to its basement and the absence of hope that I couldn’t even see or feel was beyond. I can’t remember the exact timeline, but I’m sure it could be found in my therapist’s notes…but somewhere around this time I was starting to research where I could do an in-patient stay. I knew I needed help and needed some guidance through all of this. I wasn’t sure for how long this potential stay would last, but I thought it could help. I asked my therapist for her advice on a facility and she recommended one. The only reason I chose to not move forward with an in-patient stay was the fact I’d still have to deal with everything I was dealing with once I was discharged from said in-patient stay. So, I chose to outline a plan and push though because no one was going to fix my problems but me.

Four months ago I quit.

Yeah, I’m saying it: A lot of what was going on was driven by my job. I was at a edge of a metaphorical cliff, at fork in my road where I felt like I was truly ready and logistically considering how and when to end my own existence, but because I found it far more egregious to traumatize four individuals whom I care about deeply, I chose life. Literally chose my own life. Chose to continue allowing my cardiac muscle to function as intended.

It isn’t that I felt like my worth came from my job, but I felt like a lot of my worth came from my job. Logically speaking I knew that wasn’t intrinsically true, I knew a lot of that “truth” was placed by my own self because for a long time I’ve experienced a lot of internal satisfaction from doing a job well. It helped that I also received a fair amount of external validation at various times in my career timeline.

Quitting was so liberating. I’ve never done that before and I felt both free and terrified of the freedom I had granted myself. Through the packing of my cube and desk, and texting to give fore-warning to some, I knew that everything would work out. It was also validating to hear from so many people that they were proud of me for doing this really difficult thing and their reassurance that I would be okay–better than okay.

During this timeframe between September and present day, I’ve worked some at the bakery and did more resting and focusing on the work to becoming a badass art director. I’ve done a lot of therapy and I’m actually to a point where I feel good. I needed this break more than I think I realized…or maybe I did realize it and just continued to choose to turn away from that truth. I’ve also applied for so many full time jobs. At the time of this blog, I still don’t have one, but oddly enough, I know it will work out the way it’s supposed to. I’m trusting the process like I haven’t ever trusted the process before.

I also know what I’m working toward. I have a skeleton of an idea of what I’m after and I have a plan to help push myself along. Luckily, I finally feel like I have the capacity to want to actually sit down and get after the things I need to while I’m in this season of in between. I am very grateful for this. I also feel like I’ve been able to focus on my health and taking care of myself instead of doing what I have to so to keep myself from crashing out. I was a “yes man” for too many things and for too long. I now know what I need to say no to, and I’m working on not feeling bad for actually following through. I’m continuing to learn more about myself and what I need to succeed and I am grateful for this as well.

I know being pushed to the edge of that metaphorical cliff so to force myself into standing up for myself was exactly what was needed. I see now and I feel that so much of me was not okay and everything was getting ready to shutdown, but because I didn’t, because I chose to fight for myself, seeing how things have changed for me; that is why and how I know even more things are in the process of working out to be better than fine for me.

Until next time.